New Year Musings

I went on a spiritual retreat over New Year's and spent a lot of time writing. I thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you all. Hope you enjoy!

December 30, 2009; 16:30

Boy can I pick ‘em. I got this bright idea to go away for a few days over New Year’s. Dealing with things here and things from home and life and work and having to start thinking about what I’m doing when I leave Belfast—I decided I needed some time away. I was describing it to Evan—just some time away from my house and people and distractions and blah—and he said, ‘It sounds like you need a Sabbath.’ Exactly. A Sabbath. So I get online for places up on the North Coast because I know it’s beautiful with few distractions away from the city yet easy to get to, and I find this hostel in a little village called Ballintoy just outside Ballycastle called Sheep Island View. Within my price range and where I want to go. Perfect.

Well, there are certainly no distractions. There’s not much of anything. About 30-some-odd houses, one wee shop (called ‘The Wee Shop’,) 2 pubs, 2 churches, this youth hostel and several hundred sheep. I said I wanted time away with my thoughts and God and I’ve certainly got it. I admit when I first got here I went to the Wee Shop for some odds and ends, and then went to one of the pubs for a plate of chips (interesting experience walking into a small pub at 2.00 on a Wednesday afternoon in a town where everybody quite literally knows everybody and they clearly don’t know you) and then I took a nap. I’m just now getting to the part that I came here for because I’ll admit I’m a little scared. Time alone with God can be scary. And he’s certainly here. I guess I’m also scared because I don’t really know where to start. Do I do what I’ve always done (read, journal, pray) but with more intensity and for longer? Or do I try something new? (Like what, I don’t know.) I think regardless I need to spend much more time listening for God. I know I don’t do that nearly enough. But that in turn begs the question, ‘How do I listen for God?’ I’m not sure I know how he speaks to me. I know he has and he does, but I’m not that well practiced in waiting for, and listening to, or indeed hearing the still small voice.

December 30, 2009; 18:00

I just spent some time doing today’s Solo devo and—providentially—it was about talking with God. For the prayer it suggested laying face down on the ground and talking to God like that. It said to ask for direction on something in your life and to not get up too soon. Maybe I got up too soon, I don’t know, but ultimately I feel like God is being very quiet. This is very frustrating as that leads me to think that God wants me to figure it out for myself or that there’s no real right or wrong way to go. That’s nice, but I don’t trust myself. I want him to tell me, to lead me, to let me know that I’m on the right track. I would like specifics and if not specifics at least an idea or a direct thought. And yet even if an angel appeared right before me to answer all my questions from the mouth of God himself, I feel I know what the answers would be.

‘What should I do with my life?’

‘Honor God and enjoy him forever.’

‘What should I do with all the things my heart’s been burdened with?’

‘Know that they are also a burden on God’s heart. Give them to him. He can handle it.’

‘What should I do about work?’

‘Submit to authority and trust God to work in their lives, too’

Wonderful answers and no doubt true, but in my current mindset maddeningly unhelpful. So I should probably change my mindset. Stop being to analytical to the point of inaction and unhelpfulness. If all I ever do is think about what God might want me to do I’ll never actually do anything, and that would definitely be bad. Also, trust God in his timing and in his reasons. If he is being ‘silent’ I’m sure he has a very valid reason and it’s probably one I’d never understand anyway.

Quotes for the day from Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell:

‘Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be.’

‘What happens is our lives become so heavily oriented around the expectations of others that we become more and more like them and less and less like ourselves.’

‘If we don’t know who we are or where we’re trying to go, we put the people around us in an uncomfortable position.’

December 31, 2009; 11.20

I’ll sit here and do some journaling while finishing my ‘coffee’ before heading out. I say ‘coffee’ because it’s instant, but it has caffeine and it’s the only thing to go in hot water besides a spoon. (Seriously! No tea! Where am I?) Anyway, was doing my morning devo and it was on Samson, more specifically the death of Samson. After Delilah cuts off his hair, the Philistines capture him, gouge out his eyes and enslave him. A long while later, once his hair has grown back some, the Philistines are having a party. They bring out Samson to the m idle of the temple and say, ‘Dance, monkey! Dance!’ (Or words to that effect.) Samson, while leaning against the 2 central columns of the temple, cries out to God to give him strength this one last time to avenge himself of his eyes. And God does. Two things struck me about this passage; 1) even in his selfishness (‘avenge me my eyes’) Samson commits the ultimate act of selflessness (he killed himself along with all the Philistines;) and 2) God never actually speaks to Samson. He gives Samson what he needs whenhe needs it and lets that suffice for an answer. (Which is really more than enough.)

I find so often that I wait for an audible voice from God telling me what to do and where to go, and I completely miss the ways God ‘speaks’ to me otherwise; through my heart, through other people, through music and books, through the Word, through devotion, through nature. God is so much more than an audible voice!

December 31, 2009; 15.45

Wow! I never thought I’d see anywhere as beautiful as my Appalachian Mountains, but the North Coast is a close, close rival. (Click link for pics.) That breathtaking kind of savage beauty that you know would just as easily kill you as embrace you. The kind of majestic beauty that speaks to something so much bigger—that takes your breath away and leaves you speechless. And all the while I can hear God saying, ‘I love you.’

December 31, 2009; 16.20

Rob Bell debriefing moment: he’s talking about how we are made new in Christ. How the old is dead and the new is here. This is the truth, that we are in Christ, that we are made new in him. I am made new in him. My old self is dead. Dead, dead, dead. And the issue then is identity. Do I continue to tell myself I’m an old sinner or do I believe what Christ tells me about being newly holy? I do this all the time. I realize that all of my worry and anxiety and analyzing stems from a belief that I am not forgiven or that I am not good enough, that I am trying to make up for something. And I fall short every time because it’s just not true. None of that is who God made me to be and none of that worrying and trying is glorifying to him. Bell puts it this way quoting the verse from Romans: ‘”Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” None. No shame. No list of what is held against us. No record of wrongs. It has simply been done away with. It is no longer an issue. Bringing it up is pointless. Beating myself up is pointless.’ Brilliant. How often do I do this? How much time do I waste beating myself up over something that God’s already forgiven? Every time I come back to an issue begging forgiveness on it, God’s response is, ‘What are you talking about?’ It’s rather insulting to God to not believe in forgiveness. It’s like saying Christ’s death wasn’t good enough. Of course it’s good enough. It’s the only thing that’s good enough. I can’t earn what I already have. Yes, I’ll stumble, but that’s when I need to confess it and then move on! It’s this moving on that I’m not so great at. Yet. I will learn.

Bell also uses the story of the prodigal son to illustrate this. Yes, we are forgiven just as the younger son is forgiven, but we also fill the role of the elder son who complained when Dad threw the party for the other son’s return. ‘I never got a party!’ he complains. To which the father says, ‘Because you were always with me and all that I have is yours.’ Bell says, ‘The elder son’s problem isn’t that he doesn’t have anything; it’s that he’s had it all along but refused to trust that it was really true. We cannot earn what we have always had. What we can do is trust that what God keeps insisting is true about us is actually true.’ Called out. This is me. I am forgiven. I am new. I am in Christ. I am a daughter of the King. I have the blessings of God right here, right now. I have the love of God right here, right now. I even have the voice of God right here, right now. My choice is to believe it.

January 1, 2010; 14.45

Well this is interesting. I’m currently sitting in the Coleraine train station and will be here for another 2 and a half hours. Lovely. I called yesterday about the bus from Ballintoy to Belfast and was told it would come at 1.00. So at 1.15 I called again to be told that since it’s a holiday there are no buses to Belfast. But there are trains from Coleraine. So I got a taxi to Coleraine (for £20, by the way) and was 60 seconds too late to get the first train to Great Victoria Street. I literally watched it leave. Ugh. So the next train isn’t until 5.10. Wonderful. I keep telling myself this is part of the adventure, but I did go into the bathroom and cry for a minute. Foreign girl traveling solo, struck in a train station while on holiday. Ha! There are movies about this. (It’s called The Terminal.) Oh well. I’ve got my iPod and a deck of cards if I get really bored. My own fault for trying to travel on a holiday and not looking into beforehand. Live and learn.

January 1, 2010; 19.00

Spending all day in a quiet train station gives you ample time to re-read your journal. The whole thing. All 3 ½ years. Several things strike me: 1) I must do this reading thing more often; I really do have good ideas. 2) I will do something relating to social justice as my work. This is my passion. This is my calling. 3) The only ‘person’ who deserves this amount of emotional energy and anxiety is Christ. Period. Starting now I will give it to him.