Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas Traditions


People have asked me how celebrating Christmas in my new home in Belfast is different from the celebrations back home State-side. Here's a short list of some of my favorite new traditions. I'm sure stories will follow, but for now I hope you enjoy!

Christmas Crackers: cardboard tubes filled with small prizes, stickers, and paper crowns. Pull one apart with a friend and whoever gets the big half ‘wins’ the cracker and its contents. Apparently, it’s a travesty that we don’t have them in the US, and I must agree.

Prawn Cocktail: mini-shrimp (yes, I know that’s redundant) drenched in a mayonnaise-based curry sauce and served on a bed of iceburg lettuce. Sounds kinda weird, but it’s actually quite good.

Mushy Peas: think mashed potatoes, only it’s peas.

Brussels Sprouts: they’re the green bean casserole of Northern Ireland!

Christmas Day church services: not all churches have a Christmas Eve service, but nearly every church has a Christmas Day service. It’s odd to have to get dressed for church on Christmas morning rather than sit around the house in your bathrobe.

Balloons: this one actually came from Nathaniel. During WWII his family—like many—was too poor to afford more than about one present apiece. So to fill up the space under the tree they blew up balloons to go with the few presents. Nate’s parents sent him balloons so we put them under the tree. Except they kinda took over the living room. Oh well.

‘Happy Christmas!’: the most common greeting, as opposed to the American-ized ‘Merry Christmas!’

Boxing Day: the States definitely need to adopt Boxing Day! The day after Christmas set aside as a day to recover. Also, set aside as a day to continue partying and being with family and friends, but businesses and banks are closed. And, in the case of Boxing Day being on a Saturday (like this year) you have Boxing Day (observed) which is the first Monday after Christmas. Brilliant!

Selection Boxes: a sampler box of Cadbury chocolates. Yum!

New Songs: there are plenty here! My personal ‘favorite’ is ‘Crackers and Turkeys’ the first verse of which is:

Crackers and turkeys and pudding and cream

Toys in the window that I’ve never seen

This is the Christmas that everyone sees

But Christmas means more to me.

It’s somebody’s birthday I won’t forget

As I open the things that I get

I’ll remember the inn and the stable so bare

And Jesus who once lay there.

And then there’s ‘Silent Night’:

Silent night, holy night

Sleeps the world hid from sight

Mary and Joseph in stable bare

Watched o’er the Child beloved and fair

Sleeping in heavenly rest

Sleeping in heavenly rest.

Family: this isn’t new by any means, but it’s nice to know that some traditions are universal!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Advent

Advent. To wait. To have patience. As my friend and fellow YAV, Josh Orem put it, ‘waitience.’ Good word. I think I’ll steal it. For the church it’s a time of wreaths bedecked with purple, pink and white candles; carols and carol services; Nativity plays produced by Sunday School classes and youth groups (some more modern and unique than others;) and even Christmas trees in the sanctuary. Fortunately, of all the differences between the PC(USA) and the PCI, Advent traditions are not really one of them. The candles on the Advent wreath are still lit every Sunday leading up to the 25th, the congregation still belts out carols as though their lives depended on it, and the Nativity story never will have a straight dress rehearsal.

(‘And this time we’ll go right straight through without stopping,’ Mother said sounding sort-of hopeless…. Well, we never did go right straight through without stopping. The baby angels kept forgetting when to come in, half the angel choir sang ‘Away in a Manger’ while the other half sang ‘Oh Little Town of Bethlehem,’ the shepherds didn’t come in at all for fear of Gladys, and Imogene couldn’t find the doll we used as the Baby Jesus so she wrapped up a great big flower urn in the blanket and then dropped it on Ralph’s foot. from The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson. If you’ve never read this book, run out and buy a copy! Reading it will become a new tradition. This isn’t quite our Nativity, but it’s not far off.) Anyway, I digress…

Among all the similar traditions, are the new ones, too. The words to many of the carols are different while the tune is the same, and sometimes the words are the same while the tune is different. It’s interesting to learn. (I recently found out that the Catholics have the same words to many of the Christmas carols that I grew up with. I don’t know for sure, but this would make sense of why the Presbyterian and Methodist—and other Protestant denomination’s—words are different.) And then there are the carols I’ve just never heard before. Each Sunday offers something new.

So amidst all the similarities and differences of Advent abroad, I’ve been thinking about what Advent means. Sure it’s all the ‘usual’ things of waiting and wondering and expecting and ‘waitience,’ but it’s more than that, too, isn’t it? Here, just as in the States, Advent is a time of shopping, wrapping presents, baking cookies, sending cards, decorating the house, festooning the tree, making phone calls to old friends who, for some reason, you only talk to once a year. It’s hustle and bustle and house visits and panicking when you realize that you have no idea how to make this dish with the ingredients you have and your crap-shoot oven and it just won’t be Christmas without it! Or maybe that last one’s just me. Regardless, Advent remains a time that to most of the world is swallowed by commercialism and even for Christians teeters perilously close the edge of falling completely into the capitalized market and ceasing to be the time of worshipful wonderment it’s meant to be.

The other day I was at the Christmas lunch for one of the groups I work with. All the members of the group had brought in a small present for a secret Santa-type gift exchange. All the members, that is, except me. I was unaware of the exchange so I didn’t know to bring anything in, and in this game if you didn’t bring a present you couldn’t participate. I’ve played these types of games before, so I quickly began racking my brain for something that I could offer for this gift exchange that a) I could put my hands on in 60 seconds or less, and b) wouldn’t cost me much of my small stipend. I soon landed upon the option of cookies. Everyone likes Christmas cookies, especially homemade ones, so I quickly made a ‘voucher’ for a batch of ‘homemade American Christmas cookies.’ Satisfied, I put my gift under the tree and joined the game. The lady who picked my envelope was pleased enough with the prospect of getting homemade cookies and thanked me. No problem. As we were cleaning up, though, someone else in the group quietly pulled me to the side.

‘You know that present you put it? It’s nice and all, but that’s just not how we do things here. We each put in about £5 for something small, so that way we all have something. See, she just doesn’t have anything like everyone else. Is that okay?’ Needless to say I was floored by this comment and was so taken aback I couldn’t think of anything really to say.

‘Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know,’ I said. And then, being slightly snotty I added, ‘Would you like me to go out and buy her something now?’

‘Oh no, just bring in something after Christmas when we meet again. That way she’ll have something.’

Right. I fought the urge to cry, first, and then fought the urge to smack this lady in the face and scream, ‘I’m sorry I just offered everything I had! How dare you imply that my cookies aren’t good enough! You didn’t even get them!’ It was only on my way home that I thought up all the truly snarky comments I wanted to say and then moved on to the things I maybe should have said, fighting tears the whole way home. But after the sadness subsided and the anger boiled away, I was left with despair at the thought that this is all Christmas is to some people: how much you spend on a gift that the person you’re giving it to may or may not want in the first place. What has happened?

Advent should not be a time of comparing how much you spend or the quantity of the gifts or the places you get your gift cards from. A local television advertising campaign for a store here is ‘Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without…’ and then celebrities fill in the blank. (I guess they’re celebrities, although I don’t recognize any of them.) With very few exceptions the ‘…’ is always stuff. A thing. A food. A wine. An outfit. Obviously, this store wants you to buy all your own ‘…’ from them, so ‘Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without [this store.]’ It’s excellent marketing, but lousy theology.

I admit that I am a glutton for the Advent commercialism, and I’m not saying that buying presents is bad and getting things for people is all wrong. After all, we give presents as a way to demonstrate our love for those we give the presents to. But we—I—must remember that behind all the presents, all the wrapping paper, all the cards and candy and trees and lights and carols and cookies and parties and the endless amounts of food is the worship. The worship of the One who came that night and wasn’t offered anything more than what he needed. There were no dinky £5 gift exchanges; all the shepherds had were their sheep and themselves. All the innkeeper had was a stable. All Mary and Joseph had was a blanket and a feed trough in a barn. Even the wise men on their camels only brought one gift apiece and then offered the ultimate gift of not returning to Herod.

I’ve become a fan of the Advent Conspiracy which points all this out in artistically stark ways. I’ve been convicted of my own commercialism. This doesn’t mean I won’t buy presents anymore, (because I love the look on people’s faces when I get them something they really appreciate) but it does mean that as I stuffed by Christmas cards in the mail yesterday I was painfully aware that the same money I spent on postage could have fed a starving child or clothed a homeless man or provided shelter for a battered woman.

As Advent comes to a close and Christmas Day draws nearer and nearer, I want to sit with ‘waitence’ and wonder at Christ. I want to remember to worship the One who came to earth. I want to revel and recognize the blessings God has given me. And I want to invite you to do the same. Put away the wrapping paper, step away from the kitchen, even turn off the lights on the tree just for a second, and remember the One who came with so very little and gave so very much.

Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Who Are You?

A few weeks ago was the youth-led service at my church. I was assigned the task of preaching that morning, so I drew inspiration and a topic from Rob Bell, author of Velvet Elvis and Sex God, as well as the leading man behind the Nooma video series. (If you’re unfamiliar with Rob Bell I highly suggest you familiarize yourself with him. Read a book or watch a video; he’s brilliant and most of his stuff will leave you going, ‘Whoa. Never thought of it like that.’) I didn’t really type out the sermon word for word; just had a sheet with lots of notes and points I wanted to hit on—which is really unusual for me, but it worked well—but I thought people might be interested in what I said, so here’s the sermon as best I can remember preaching it. Hope you enjoy.

Genesis 32:22-30; Jacob Wrestles with God

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, ‘Let me go, for it is daybreak.’

But Jacob replied, ‘I will not let you go unless you bless me.’

The man asked him, ‘What is your name?’
‘Jacob,’ he answered.

Then the man said, ‘Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.’

Jacob said, ‘Please tell me your name.’
But he replied, ‘Why do you ask my name?’ Then he blessed him there.

So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.’

John 21:15-22; Jesus Reinstates Peter

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?’
‘Yes, Lord,’ he said,’you know that I love you.’

Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’

Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you truly love me?’
He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’
Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’

The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’

Jesus said, ‘Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.’ Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, ‘Follow me!’

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, ‘Lord, who is going to betray you?’) When Peter saw him, he asked, ‘Lord, what about him?’

Jesus answered, ‘If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.’

Names. Names are important. They tell people who you are, they let you know who you are, you know which person needs to answer when a name is shouted across a room. Names have stories. My own name has a story. My full name is Mary Lynnea Hunter. Mary is a family name, for my mother and great-grandmother. Lynnea is for a family friend. One of my parents’ good friends is named Lynnea, and she got the name from her grandmother who came from Sweden. Lynnea is actually a derivative of ‘linnaea’ (pronounced the same) which is the name of a small, bluebell-like flower that grows in Sweden. It was named for Carolus Linnaeus, a Swedish botanist who helped lay the foundations for binomial nomenclature, the scientific classification system for living things. Hunter is the surname that came to County Tyrone from Scotland sometime during the Plantation of Ulster. (see ‘History Lesson.’) It has a lovely coat of arms and tartan that belongs to the name, along with the motto cursum perficio: ‘I have completed the course.’ So as you can see, my name carries a lot of weight.

Names are identity, and I think that applies even more here in Northern Ireland than anywhere else I’ve been. The other day I was in conversation with some people I work with and they were discussing a person one of them had met. The question was asked, ‘Is he Catholic or Protestant?’ Normal enough question, especially in North Belfast. The answer was what surprised me; ‘I don’t know. I didn’t catch his name.’ Why would his name have anything to do with his religious/political affiliation?

(At this point, when I actually preached this sermon, the whole congregation laughed because they thought the answer of ‘I didn’t catch his name’ was a perfectly reasonable and sufficient response. They also laughed because they understood how odd it would have seemed to me. I’ve learned here that a lot can be told from your name. Names like Liam, Finn, Seamus and Ciaran are almost always associated with being Catholic, while more ‘common’ names like Chris and Andrew are associated with being Protestant. This is one of the reasons that my flatmate Phen chooses to go by ‘Phen.’ It sounds almost identical to ‘Finn’ which would be understood as an almost exclusively Catholic name, and yet he’s ‘Protestant.’ Gives people pause, it’s great.)

So as you can see, names are very important. Or are they? One of the most famous quotes ever about names comes from Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet; ‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.’ She does have a point there, which then begs the question, ‘What IS in a name?’

If you look in Genesis 27 you’ll find the story of Jacob stealing Esau’s blessing from Isaac. Isaac is old and blind, and he knows he won’t live much longer. So he sends Esau out to hunt so that they might enjoy one last good meal together and so that Isaac may bestow upon Esau his official blessing. Now, if you are familiar with this story you’ll recall that there was one major difference between Jacob and Esau: yes, they were twins, but Esau is described as being a hairy man, while Jacob was ‘smooth of skin.’ So even though Isaac was blind all he had to do would be to hug his sons or shake their hands to figure out which one was which. So Jacob, while Esau is out hunting, along with his deceptive mother Rebekah, decks himself out in animal skins to make it appear to Isaac that he is actually Esau. He goes into his father’s room and Isaac immediately asks, ‘Who’s there?’ ‘It’s me, your son Esau,’ Jacob says. Isaac can sense that something is off because it doesn’t seem likely that Esau would be back from the hunt so quickly and he asks about it. He still doesn’t really believe it’s Esau so he says, ‘Come near so I can touch you.’ Isaac may be old, but he’s clearly not stupid. Since Jacob has dressed himself in skins, Isaac believes he is touching Esau. Still, he is not satisfied so he straight out asks, ‘Are you really my son Esau?’ Jacob says he is.

I was raised in a family that believes whole-heartedly in the power of the spoken word. My parents used to tell me that whatever I thought I could or couldn’t do, either way I was right. After all, God spoke the entire known—and unknown—universe into existence. We, as humans, are made in God’s image so it stands to reason that we also have great potential in our spoken words. The brain is a hugely complex piece of masterful machinery and can be ‘programmed’ by the words we speak to it. A positive attitude or a negative attitude are both ways we ‘program’ our brains.

So by this theory—the theory that in the spoken word rests huge amounts of power over ourselves—Jacob not only convinces Isaac that he’s Esau, Jacob also convinces himself that he’s Esau. Jacob, in a very real sense, loses his identity to his older brother. He gives away his own name and with it his sense of self. Once Esau discovers what Jacob has done, he’s furious and vows to kill Jacob. Jacob, having something resembling common sense—if not common decency—runs away fearing for his life.

Skip ahead to the wrestling passage. The blessing theme is repeated here. Jacob has wrestled with this man/angel/God all night, and at the end of it all, when it seems to be a stale-mate, Jacob insists that the man bless him. However, in order for the man to do this, he needs to know one thing: ‘What is your name?’

In his Nooma video ‘Name,’ Rob Bell discusses this very thing, and gives us insight into the importance of this question:

Now, in the ancient Near East, your name was more than just words. Your name was identity. Your name was reflective of your character, your substance, the very fiber that made you you. Your name told who you are. So when this man asks Jacob, ‘What is your name?’ the real question he’s asking him is, ‘Who are you?’ How much of our pain comes from not knowing how to answer that question?

Who are you? Do you know who you are? Do you know what you are? Do you know where you are? What is your identity? When this man asks Jacob, ‘What is your name?’ when he asks, ‘Who are you?’ it’s almost as if he’s asking not for his own benefit, but for Jacob’s. ‘Jacob, do you know who you are? Are you still pretending to be Esau?’ It’s almost as though he asks, ‘Are you ready to be you, yet?’ What does this mean for Jacob?

What does this mean for us? Who do we pretend to be? What kind of labels do we put on ourselves?

Man. Woman. Rich. Poor. Homeless. Middle-class. Veteran. Hippie. Black. White. Asian. GED. PhD. Musician. Poet. Thinker. Feeler. Desk-jockey. Reader. Writer. Victim. Injured. Christian. Atheist. Jewish. Muslim. Agnostic. Depressed. Professional. Entrepreneur. Working-class. Gay. Lesbian. Straight. Addict. Recovering. Footballer. Dancer. Republican. Democrat.

Catholic.

Protestant.

What is our name? Who are we? Where are we? What is our identity? ‘How much of our pain comes from not knowing how to answer that question?’ We have all these labels, some of which we put on ourselves and some of which are put on us by others, but either way we name ourselves. We are constantly comparing labels, seeing how we measure up, and the real problem is that we use anything but God as the benchmark.

Look again at John’s passage. We can all relate to Peter; asking, ‘What about him?’ We constantly ask, ‘What about him?’ What about her? What about them? The inevitable, ‘Why me?’ We constantly doubt what we’re doing, and we often doubt what we’ve been told to do. Peter has instructions directly from the mouth of Christ and his response is no different from what ours too often is: he turns to the guy beside him and asks, ‘What about him?’ And I love Jesus’ response to Peter; ‘What is that to you?’ He’s so blunt in his response, it’s such a ‘duh!’ moment. ‘What is that to you? You must follow me.’

YOU must follow ME. Not him or her or them. ME. Why don’t we want to follow Him? All too often I think it’s because we really do know some of the answers to ‘Who are you?’ and we don’t like at all what we see. We see some of those labels and can hardly stand to read them, and we know that God can see them, too. We’re ashamed. Rob Bell continues on this topic:

You and I have pasts: families we come from, things we’ve done, mistakes we’ve made. And where we’ve been and what we’ve done has shaped us into who we are today. And so we have to embrace our story, our history. You don’t have to be proud of it, but you must claim it because it’s yours. Only when we can own our own history for what it is—the good, the bad, everything in between—can we ever begin to answer the question, ‘What is your name?’ Do you wish you were someone else, or something else? From that family instead of your own? With those abilities instead of the ones you’ve been given? With that body instead of the one that’s yours? What is that to you? She has her path, he has his path, they have their path and you have your path.

Claiming our history. I love the way he puts it, ‘…you don’t have to be proud of it, but you must claim it because it’s yours.’ What we must remember is that claiming something doesn’t necessarily mean laying it all out all the time for everyone to see.

The other day, Chris (my supervisor and the Youth and Community Development Worker at FMPC) and I were having a meeting over coffee in a shop in City Centre. We were discussing this very thing and Chris’ keys were lying on the table. He picked them up and said, ‘These are my keys. I claim them. But that doesn’t mean I have to leave them out on the table. I can put them in my pocket or in my bag, and when I need them I’ll pull them out, use them, and then put them back.’ Our histories are the same way. We must claim them, but we are allowed to put them away until they are needed. Until God calls upon an experience that only we can relate to, a problem that only we can understand, something where He needs us to pull out that specific part of our history so that we can do what He needs us to do. Peter had to claim the fact that he had denied Christ three times at the crucifixion. Jesus himself had called Peter ‘Satan’ earlier in the book. This was a part of Peter’s history, a part of who Peter was, and therefore I’m sure it was part of the reason Christ chose him. We must follow Christ; no one else. If we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, constantly thinking that she is better or he’s more qualified; if we are constantly fooling ourselves into thinking that we are someone else; if we are constantly pretending to be Esau how will we ever hear when God calls us by name?

In closing, there’s a poem that I want to share.

loaded word

So I’ve been thinking about love lately.

What a loaded word.

What does it even mean, anyway?

It immediately conjures images of

Romance…

wine, roses, candlelight dinners for two underneath a velvet sky of diamond-bright stars while a private string quartet serenades you with instrumental versions of the themes of Love Story, Titanic, and When Harry Met Sally.

You begin to quote Romeo and Juliet—because everyone says it’s the greatest love story ever written.

Gag me.

It didn’t work out too well for Romeo or Juliet, remember?

Is that love?

True love?

To be so distraught over the supposed death of your rebound girlfriend

(whose cousin you just killed as revenge for killing your “home boy”)

that you drink poison strong enough for you plus 10?

Or to be so equally distraught over said boyfriend’s death,

that you throw yourself on a dagger?

Seriously?

This is love?

Don’t get me wrong, love Shakespeare—literary genius—but if this is our

“Love Gold Standard”

we’ve got some priorital shifts to make.

We say we love our boyfriend.

We love our girlfriend.

We love our mom and dad.

We love our dog, our cat, our pet gerbil.

We love going to the movies and hanging out with friends.

We love starry skies.

We love long walks on the beach.

We love backyard barbeques on the Fourth of July.

We love diet Coke.

We love getting off work early and getting a raise.

We love TV shows and live performances.

We love competition, winning and being the best.

We love the Super Bowl, March Madness, Broadway, a well-cut script, our favorite pair of jeans, a fat paycheck, mid-rare steaks and well-aged, single malt scotch.

We love ourselves.

And then out of the same mouth we profess that

God Is Love.

God Is Love.

God is the very thing

—embodies the very essence—

of the one thing we claim to know very well, and yet know nothing about.

We say we love football and hamburgers, but we also say

God Is Love.

I doubt the Almighty appreciates being put on the same level as a

Big Mac and the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Maybe it’s our word.

English only gives us one word for love:

“L-O-V-E. LOVE”

Greek at least gives us three:

Eros, the romantic one;

Philos; the brotherly one;

and Agape; the holy one.

You’d think we’d have more words for something so important.

Eskimos have over 30 words for “snow” merely because it’s so much a part of their lives.

Thirty words for “snow.”

It’s their life force, and they know it.

They appreciate it.

We’re just clueless.

Shakespeare made up over fourteen hundred words in his collective works merely to make his poetry sound good

and to make the Rhyme and Meter work out.

You think he could have come up with a few measly words for the greatest emotion on earth.

So what is love?

It’s as impersonal and cold as a railroad spike, and yet

as intimate and warm as your own blood.

Where railroad spikes meet blood…

Therein lies the Crux of the matter.

[end]

God IS love. God IS everything. God IS all. God IS. When Moses sees the burning bush he asks God, ‘What is your name?’ God gives the only response He can when a human asks Him His identity: ‘I AM.’

I think this is why He doesn’t answer Jacob right off, either. Jacob asks, ‘What is your name?’ and He replies, ‘Why do you ask?’ It doesn’t really matter. God IS, and God knows who Jacob is. He knows who Peter is. He knows who we are. He knows who He needs us to be.

Do we know who we are?

Are we ready to be ourselves?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Captivated

Last night my friend Evan and I were chatting on Skype. ‘Tell me about God,’ he said, meaning, ‘Tell me about what God is doing in your life.’

I told him, ‘He blessed me with fabulous girl time today and not one, but FOUR safe bus journeys across town and back again.

‘He's blessing me with a beautiful, honest conversation with my friend Maddie, who's also a volunteer.

‘He cleared off the skies tonight to let the full moon shine down.

‘He is teaching me.’

‘Tell me about your favorite lessons,’ Evan asked.

‘I am forgiven,’ I said.

It seems a basic lesson, indeed one of the most basic lessons we learn as Christians, and yet it is quite possibly the most difficult to internalize. I struggle with forgiving myself for some of my stupid actions or I dwell on the imperfections of my humanity, and forget that to God it doesn’t matter. It’s been forgiven already. I have been brought near through the blood of Christ and as long as I believe that, everything else will fall into place. I forget that God made me human. He didn’t make me an animal running solely on instinct, nor did He make me an angel completely perfect; He made me human, somewhere in the middle. Why should I try to be anything else? (Thanks to author Rob Bell for pointing out this fact in his book Sex God. Yes, you read the title right.)

Forgiveness is an issue I’ve found we all struggle with, especially here in an area having experienced so much pain and anguish for so long. Forgiveness of others, forgiveness of faceless institutions, forgiveness of the church, forgiveness of self. It’s a long, confusing, painful process for many, but in the midst of it, God speaks. He speaks through the people who know they have to move on, who want to see their country bettered for their children, who know there’s something bigger than themselves worth living for even if they can’t put a name to it.

There’s a song I’ve recently been caught up in called ‘Captivated’ by Shawn McDonald. (Here he is performing it live.)

Captivated

When I look into the mountains
I see Your fame
When I look into the night sky
It sparkles Your name

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
That's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

When I wake unto the morning
It gives me Your sight
When I look across the ocean
It echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me
That's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

'Cause I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me

The blood in my veins and my heart You invade
The plants how they grow and the tree
s and their shade
The way that I feel and love in my soul
I thank you my God for letting me, letting me know

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

'Cause I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

It so wonderfully captures my own thoughts and feelings. Everywhere I look, there is God, probably doing something incredible. (Here in Belfast, God really shows up for me on days like today: cold, but not too cold, and brilliantly sunny with not a cloud in the sky! Beautiful.) The best part about this song, though, is how it almost twists at the end. This whole time, I have been captivated by Him, but the way the words work—‘I thank you, my God, for letting me, letting me know: I am, I’m captivated by you…’—it’s almost as if there’s a role reversal. I’m not the only one captivated, here. God is captivated by me. In all that I do. In me doing all that He made me to do. Despite all the things I struggle to forgive myself for, God is still captivated by me. How can I not be captivated by that?